ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus
by David Bibb
CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights
of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus
been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that
information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law
enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are
considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the
children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos
other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr.
Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent
free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which
reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "...clearly shows
concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the
information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating
the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against
children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice Department stated
that, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers
involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for
the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the same
indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on
possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records
show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any
items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the
States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes
on all of the goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from
around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be
taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident
of the United States or any country which the United States currently has
an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but
it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will
discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending
charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.